Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Flame-Pits of Delaware

A while back I saw at the library a book entitled Jasper Dash and the Flame-Pits of Delaware.
This ought to be good, I think After all, I have some experience with Delaware. Also, I want to see what kind of person writes a book like that.



Recently I reread the thing. It would be pretty difficult to miss the actuality of the First State more completely, but the storytelling, plot and especially humor were superb. Impressed by the genius of M. T. Anderson, the author, I wrote him a letter under the guise of a citizen of Delaware, as told by his book. It went like this:

Dear M. T. Anderson,

I am apologizing for letter's much taking time.
First note: My grammar is off in this letter because apparently we Delawarians have our own language, called Doverian, and learn English as a second language, and therefore have accents. Who knew?

Ministry of Silence hold up process. Ministry of Silence much help.
Second note: The Ministry of Silence is the name given to the spy network of the Awful and Adorable Autarch of Dagsboro, the tyrannical military leader of Delaware who dictates from Dover with an iron fist.

Also, maybe burns from when dragon set house on fire. (Second head on toe be surprising me.) Don't worry, saved fire extinguisher as running away.
Anyways, I am thanking you for accurate portrayal of Dlwar (Delware, you call) in book Jasper Dash and the Flame-Pits of Delaware.
Third note: According to Delawarian belief, vowels are sacred and reserved almost exclusively for our pantheon of gods, including Aieeeee, the fearsome god of war. For this reason there are very few vowels in common Doverian words.

I much impressed that you know of Dupontville Fine Excellent View Stay Hotel's bad walls and vaultapult rates. Those are both in the book. I guess we get great distances by vaultapult, which is like a spoon/catapult on the roof from which we are flung. That actually is important to the plot.

You also make many funny joke when you say that we have 'jaywalked' here, or that ground be always visible and not show to mantle of Earth at 4:27 pm on weekdays. Hahaha! That, I just made up.

I be talking to Autarch to get changed to match book, but he not like and I be writing rest of letter upside-down over cage of hungry pwkilz. Oh well.
At the end of the book, Mr. Anderson put a note to all real Delawarians suggesting that if the real thing doesn't line up with the book, we should get it changed to do so. The pwkilz I made up.

Finally, I be wishing you happy High Interstate Toll to Delaware Day. Canhg fmp vrmo!

Delawarian,
Ian H. Smith*
(Doverian: In H. Smth*)

So the whole thing went like this:

Dear M. T. Anderson,

I am apologizing for letter's much taking time. Ministry of Silence hold up process. Ministry of Silence much help. Also, maybe burns from when dragon set house on fire. (Second head on toe be surprising me.) Don't worry, saved fire extinguisher as running away.

Anyways, I am thanking you for accurate portrayal of Dlwar (Delaware, you call) in book Jasper Dash and the Flame-Pits of Delaware. I much impressed that you know of Dupontville Fine Excellent View Stay Hotel's bad walls and vaultapult rates.
You also make many funny joke when you say that we have 'jaywalked' here, or that ground be always visible and not show to mantle of Earth at 4:27 pm on weekdays. Hahaha! I be talking to Autarch to get changed to match book, but he not like and I be writing rest of letter upside-down over cage of hungry pwkilz. Oh well.

Finally, I be wishing you happy High Interstate Toll to Delaware Day. Canhg fmp vrmo!

Delawarian,
Ian H. Smith*
(Doverian: In H. Smth*)

A while later I got a reply:



Yeah. We were excited even before we opened it.

Inside the envelope:



The letter went like this:

GREETINGS FROM THE BLUE HEN... and the AUTARCH'S SECURITY FORCES.
What do you mean, Citizen, attempting to communicate with someone outside the bounds of the FAIR STATE of DELAWARE? You know that NO GOOD will come of it. Did the cage full of growling, spitting pwkilz teach you nothing? Did seven long years perched on the peak of a tower, with ravens nesting in your hair and high winds threatening to blow you down into the chasms below mean NOTHING to you? Oh, you are made of STRONG STUFF, Citizen Smth!* But know that the M. T. Anderson you wrote to CANNOT REPLY! We include an old photo of him withyour governor, the ex-Markell. Do you think either ever walked away from this meeting? Or at least, walked away without a strange, hypnotised mechanical motion in their hands + knees?
TREMBLE!!
and a short closing and so forth.

It was awesome. That part about the tower was illustrated, as you can see above.

Until later!

*Last name has been changed.

1 comment:

  1. You have a real ability for writing unique content. I like how you think and the way you represent your views in this article. I agree with your way of thinking. Thank you for sharing.
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